San Francisco Bay Area, East Bay Photographer | Stephanie Morgan Photography

Last year I made the goal of either losing 20 lbs or getting pregnant. In the very last month, I achieved one of those goals. And let’s just say that I didn’t even come close to losing 20 lbs! I think I lost 5lbs. And then gained it back around the holidays. Out of respect for those who may be struggling with infertility, this will likely be one of my only posts regarding the pregnancy. That was one of the hardest things for me these last two years and a big part of my decision to get rid of facebook. It was too hard reading about it. And it felt like I couldn’t escape it. Even just watching the music awards where Beyonce revealed her baby bump.

Anyways, I’m still in a bit of disbelief. When I found out I had a mix of unfamiliar emotions. At first, I cried. Then I told Mason since David was at work still. Then I got worried. What if I miscarry? What if this baby has the same developmental delays as Mason or worse? And then an emotion I wasn’t expecting. I started thinking about the three + years that’s it’s been just the three of us, plus the pup. And I got a little sad. This next 9 months is going to be the last time Mason will have us all to himself. I really couldn’t wrap my head around adding another little person to our family even though I’ve been praying for it for two years. My mind had been focused on whether or not we should get rid of all our baby stuff (I was going to sell our crib in March), and why did we buy such a big car if it will be just the three of us (plus the dog who takes up most of the space!). Now it’s on decorating a nursery again and baby names. It will be quite an adjustment. A good and thankful one, but an adjustment nonetheless. It’s a strange feeling to struggle for such a long time and then have it all of a sudden gone. To be honest, the struggle isn’t ALL gone for me. It actually still hurts to hear someone else announce their pregnancy. Not as much, but it does. I think it just reminds me of how hard it was. Maybe time will heal that. And maybe it will always be difficult. I guess it’s too soon to tell.

I’m still learning to trust God even throughout this pregnancy. When will I ever learn my lesson!? I wrote a little bit more about that on the other blog for a new project Jenny and I are doing. I was talking to a dear friend about my anxiety and worry and she asked me, “Do you believe that if something happens that God will see you through it?” Yes. I do. Each trial helps me understand Him all the more and helps remind me of the greater picture. This world is not our home and I need to live for the one that is.

Okay, enough serious stuff! I have been seriously lacking on my project! So let’s not call it a 365 day project, but rather a try to take more pictures of Mason project. He is such a little stinker and won’t let me photograph him! I even had to bribe him with candy and a cupcake for some of these. Plus, we both got a really bad cold so I was in no mood to take pictures and he was in even less of a mood to have his picture taken.

waking in daddy’s shoes and eating one of daddy’s birthday cupcakes

leaving school

playing in his new playroom

helping daddy put together his new shelves in his new playroom

There is so much floating around in my head right now that this is probably going to come out a bit jumbled. As much of my writing does. Ha! I have friends who write so beautifully and eloquent and are able to communicate exactly what they’re thinking or feeling. You know how you have conversations in your head with other “people”? Well, that’s how I write. Conversations I have in my head. Where to begin…? I guess at the beginning…..

I have always loved photography and when I found out I was pregnant with Mason, I knew I wanted a better camera so I could take lots of great photos. I mean how hard could it be, right? Turns out quite a bit harder! There was so much to learn and the further I got into photography, I realized the less I knew. I still have SO much to learn. I took 503′s workshop which I highly recommend to anyone wanting to learn more about photography. Jessica is fabulous! I started to see progress in my work, friends started asking me to take pictures of their kids and the natural progression after that (or so I thought) was to go into business. All I wanted to do though was to take great pictures of Mason! Somehow along the way, I lost that original intent and desire. Since then I have found myself in a continual state of stress and clenching my teeth pretty much all day long. There have been days that I have woken up to terrible pain in my teeth because I was grinding/clenching them so hard while I slept. I even chipped a hole in one of my molars! Now I have to wear a nightguard when I sleep which my husband finds oh so sexy as I’m drooling out of the side of my mouth.

Last night I realized that Mason only has 3 short months until he turns 4 years old! And then one more year until he starts Kindergarten! I could drop huge balls of tears right now just thinking about it. Because time is running out on snuggles and kissing his boo-boo’s, laying in bed with him while he falls asleep at night, and giving him kisses whenever I please, I really want to slow down time and soak in as much of him as I can, all while documenting his days as a happy go lucky, sensitive, mellow kid, whose eyes sparkle when he smiles. I really just can’t get enough of him. Unless he’s throwing a tantrum of course. Then it’s, “Will someone please take him home with them!?”:) Even writing this, I feel guilty that he’s sitting here on the couch watching cartoons (not that he’s complaining).

Having a photography business has swallowed up my life and my mind always feels only half there in everything else I do. On one hand, I want to have a successful business. On the other hand I want to be a great mom and wife and friend. For me, the two aren’t really going well together and I feel like everything else is getting the short end of the stick. It’s not even about being busy, it’s about the business constantly being in the back of my mind making it hard to concentrate and fully give my all to anything else. Some of you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. When I worked at the high school, I could just go to work and then when I was home, my job stayed back behind. Occasionally I would lay in bed thinking, “Oh no! Did I remember to turn off my space heater under my desk? What if I get to school the next day and it burned down because I left it on!?” Rest assured, the school is still standing:)

One thing I’ve come to terms with is that just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean I need to make money from it. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. With that said, I will no longer be taking any sessions under Stephanie Morgan Photography for an indefinite amount of time. It could be a year, or maybe until Mason starts school, or maybe never. I honestly really don’t know what it will look like for me. I will however still be taking sessions with Pure Life Unscripted with the talented Jenny from Sweet Bliss Photography. So if you’d like to book a session, you can contact us there.

I’m so excited for 2012 and think it’s going to be a really good year for me on a personal level. I have big plans! Plans to organize my house, make some of the diy finds from pinterest, do crafts with Mason, maybe even learn how to sew finally! My hope is to do a 365 day photo project of Mason. My inspiration comes from this blog that I love to look at. I will be taking my camera EVERYWHERE and I’m hoping I will learn a lot in the process. When I look through my parent’s photo albums, the pictures I like looking at aren’t the ones where my mom took me to get my portrait done. They’re the pictures where I’m 3 years old and walking around the house with my dad’s cowboy boots on. Why my dad even had cowboy boots I have no idea. Or me sitting on my grandma’s kitchen floor eating cookie dough out of the mixing bowl. The pictures that tell a story. My story. That’s what I want for Mason as well. So rest assured, I will still be posting pictures on this blog and rambling from time to time. I may even have some other photography projects here and there.

mason 2008

mason 2011

So thank you from the bottom of my heart to all my wonderful friends and clients! I love taking pictures of you and for you and I hope you’ll continue following the journey God has me on and I hope you’ll follow me over at Pure Life Unscripted.

And I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.